


where do we go from here?

by tooturnttobio



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Amnesia AU, M/M, Oikage Big Bang 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 15:59:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12915258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tooturnttobio/pseuds/tooturnttobio
Summary: amnesia AU in which Oikawa loses the past 4 years of his memories in a fatal accident, and Kageyama has the choice of either walking away or to teach Oikawa how to love him again





	where do we go from here?

**Author's Note:**

> This was such a fun week and i am so thankful to have taken part in this :) The title comes from "where do we go from here?" by Solange which basically inspired this whole fic

Will he ever remember? Tobio thinks, gnawing at his lip whilst sat at the hospital waiting room; eyes focused on the elevator. Iwaizumi-san had said he’d arrive sometime in the morning, and it was nearly noon. Iwaizumi-san was always punctual toward everything. Maybe there was something wrong with the trains.

Iwaizumi-san, as well as a few other people from Seijou that Tobio kept forgetting the names of, discussed everything that had occurred to Tooru through a group call and even thought of possible suggestions that could jog Tooru’s memory.

Words like Hippocampus, short term memory, and synapses meant little to Tobio and he bitterly regretted his disregard for academia and sciences.

There was an agreement to bring Tooru as many games as possible; from the games that took place in middle school to the more recent college games. Maybe showing things that occurred in a chronological order could jog his memory, the man with thick eyebrows suggested. So Iwaizumi-san, always mildly concerned, decided to pay Tooru a visit with all the CD’s they could gather, and then slowly introduce Tooru to all the new people that have come in his life.

Iwaizumi-san was not sure whether to drop the news that Tooru and Ushijima-san are actually friends, and didn’t mention anything about explaining Tobio being Tooru’s long term boyfriend. I didn’t matter anyway, Tobio thought, since Tooru – no, Oikawa-san, will undoubtedly hate him now.

 _Retrograde amnesia_. The words, in the tone of Tooru’s assigned doctor, echo in Tobio’s skull as he gets ready for the day. _Is the loss of memories made in the recent past, and in Oikawa-kun’s case, I’m certain he has lost about a chunk of memories from the past four years._

Tobio swallowed the lump of dread that clung to the back of his neck when he heard the news. At least it explained why Tooru screamed and swore when he woke to see Tobio’s face. Tooru at eighteen years old wasn’t exactly so fond of Tobio back then – at least, that’s what Tobio thought before Oikawa chucked a vase at him.

After the altercation, the doctor limited the visitors to family only to limit Tooru’s confusion.  Three days later, Tooru’s family had asked Iwaizumi-san to pay a visit to jog his memories only to conclude that four years of his memory had truly gone.

Today, however, Taro had called Tobio earlier in the morning.

“It’s been two weeks,” Taro, tells Tobio over the phone. “I was wondering if you could come today? Just to see if his memory can be jogged any further.”

No matter how unprepared Tobio feels; there’s no way out. He’s just glad that Taro, at least, can empathise with the situation.

“I can come.” 

“Thank god,” Taro says. “But don’t drop your plans just because of us.”

“No it’s fine,” Tobio replies, phone in one hand, stirring black coffee with the other hand. “I’ve been meaning to talk to him anyway.”

“I understand,” Taro says, and Tobio can imagine the older man smiling weakly at their agreement whilst glancing at his sleeping brother.

And here Tobio is, at the hospital waiting room, waiting for Iwaizumi-san to come so they both can visit Tooru together.

Iwaizumi finally arrives with a box of lunch and a bouquet – sunflowers and roses, Tooru’s favourite combination.

“Sorry for coming so late,” he apologises. “I went to buy lunch.”

“That’s fine,” Tobio answers, staring idly at the flowers. “Should we see him now?”

“Only if you’re ready, Tobio,” he says. “Don’t worry about him getting angry though, he was just a bit shocked and confused last time. He’d like to apologise to you actually.”

Tobio nods, not believing him.  Together, they make their way to the hospital wing where Tooru is staying.

The door to Tooru’s room is left ajar, but he’s alone, covered with blankets and pillows and Tobio can see the wistful look on his face from the door.

Tobio knocks on the door, the four beat noise rings on his ears, and he feels as if a hole is opening up in his stomach as he braces for a another vase to fly at his direction or worse; a look of complete bewilderment.

When Tooru sees them, Tobio instantly looks away, trying not to register the blank look on Tooru's face.

“Hey,” Tobio says.

“Hey,” Tooru returns the greeting.

“Do you remember me?” Tobio asks; the bouquet of flowers hidden behind his figure.

Tooru rolls his eyes. “Well, you’re not very easy to forget.”

“Well, by following Doctor’s procedures, I’ll have to formally introduce you guys. Oikawa, this is Kageyama Tobio, your Kouhai, flatmate, your partner and friend.”

“Taro did mention that we live together,” Tooru muses. “So, Tobio-chan, how does it feel to be living alongside your idol?”

Tobio flinches at the sudden haughtiness, unsure whether to laugh or frown.

“Oi, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi warns, his glare more threatening than Tobio can remember. “You’re lucky you’re in a hospital bed right now.”

Tooru lets out a melodramatic sigh and continues. “So, Tobio-chan, when did you grow so tall?”

Tobio pouts a little as he tries to remember, this question eerily similar to when they first met at college. “Around third year of highschool? I think.”

Oikawa frowns. “That’s so un-cute.”

“How?” Tobio asks, surprised that the conversation echoed a similar one two years ago.

“A kouhai isn’t meant to outgrow their senpai,” Tooru reasons, stroking the fox plushie cradled in his arms.

“Who gave you that?” Iwaizumi asks.

“I don’t know,” Tooru answers, “It’s cute, but there’s no note or anything about it.”

“The twins,” Tobio explains. “The twins from Ch- oh I mean – Inzarizaki must’ve given it.”

“Oh. Those Miya twins?” Tooru asks, his gaze going to the fox plushie. “I didn’t know we knew them.”

“They’re our biggest rivals,” Tobio said, “Along with Iwaizumi-san and his team.”

“No way.” Tooru says, his gaze going from the plushie to Tobio. “You guys went against them during nationals.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You won too.”

Tobio nods, his gaze locked on Tooru’s. He’s not sure why, but he can’t let himself look away without feeling like he’d lose.

“I don’t like those twins,” Tooru says at last, his gaze dropping to the floor.

Tobio blinks. This is something new to him.

“Not many do, to be honest,” Iwaizumi offers, “But they’re alright in my opinion.”

“So, when are we gonna eat?”

Iwaizumi gets on his feet, forgetting all about the food. He hands out the packages of pork curry for the three of them. Before Tobio could dig in, Tooru grabs his box and swaps it with his.

“You like egg with your curry, right?” Tooru asks.

“Y-yeah,” Tobio murmurs. “How do you know?”

“Tobio-chan,” Tooru says hesitantly, almost as if he's unsure if he's speaking in Japanese. “It's because we're good friends, right?”

 

Tobio was unsure what to say, how to look, how to feel and Tooru probably felt the same. _We're so much more than good friends,_ he wants to say. _We've been dating for almost a year now, we're boyfriends, we love eachother, we love spending the night watching sci-fi movies and we love spending the mornings playing volleyball and eating freshly baked food._

"Yeah," Tobio says instead. "We're good friends."

Tooru looks at the food before him and then to the floor. For the first time in a long time, Tobio doesn’t recognise the look on Tooru’s face and suddenly he wishes he was the one that forgot everything. If Tooru were in Tobio’s shoes, he would have done everything to make sure Tobio remembered. Tooru would have tried to understand everything going on in Tobio’s mind. All Tobio can do, however, is to sit back and watch everyone else do his job.

“I’m sorry I threw all those things at you the other day,” Tooru apologises, his voice weak. “Why did I have to forget everything?”

“It’s okay,” Tobio reassures him, glancing at Iwaizumi who is also wearing the same look of worry. Something is off and Tooru’s shaking only makes it more obvious.

Instinctively, he reaches for Tooru but recoils, afraid it might trigger another angry outburst. Iwaizumi leaves the room after mentioning a doctor and Tooru’s distress is too much to bear. Gingerly Tobio places his hands over Tooru’s, feeling the unusual coldness of Tooru's fingers but telling him that they'll be okay anyway.

A flock of doctors and nurses rush in and one ushers Tobio out of the room as he wordlessly watches them tend to Tooru.

Everything afterwards passes by him in a blur, and he doesn't ever remember making it back to the waiting room, sitting beside Iwaiumi. The chill of December creeps by his neck, and he remembers that he left his jacket back in Tooru's room.

"What should I do, Iwaizumi-san?"

He hopes Iwaizumi-san would ignore him, but he gets an answer anyway. "You should do what you think is right. He won't get better in one day, and I’m sure there'll be more episodes like this in the future."

"I didn't expect him remembering how I like my curry would make him react like that."

"Neither did I," Iwaizumi admits, "Were you planning to tell him about you two?"

"I-I was hoping to," Tobio admits, wiping his face with his sleeve, "But i couldn't after seeing him like that."

"You know, he can tell when you're upset and he doesn't like it when you are," Iwaizumi explains, gripping Tobio's shoulder. "Ever since middle school he hated to see you upset."

"Right," Tobio answers for the sake of answering, despite the lack of tears, his throat felt dry. "I think I’ll tell him in a few weeks."

* * *

 

_The kiss, when it happened, was both a long time coming and a complete accident. Meaning, it was inevitable and never meant to happen._

_It was so cliché, in a way that was supposed to haunt Tooru for years to come. He could feel his cheeks burning, he could feel Tobio’s cheeks burning. They were tangled together on the floor of Ushiwaka's bathroom floor, who decided to host their annual Volleyball Christmas Party, and somehow Tooru’s hands found their way into Tobio’s hair and the rest was history. Tobio’s hands were flat on the floor, on either side of Tooru’s body. Their noses brushed with every inhale and exhale._

_They broke from the kiss and Tobio’s eyes were filled with longing, and Tooru can’t help but stare and get lost in them. Tobio licked his lips and Tooru’s breathing hitched—something that Tobio learned he loved to hear. The stubborn part of Tooru wanted to stop, climb off of Tobio's lap, and pretend like it never happened. But Tooru, now twenty-two, surer of himself and less stubborn than his past self, knew he didn't want to._

_It’d been a long time coming, a long time wanted on his part. It had been a problem festering at the back of his mind for ages, and it was finally in his reach. Tobio wasn’t freaking out, wasn’t pulling away or running as far away as possible. Sure, neither of them were moving, but that was okay. It was warm and comfortable, if a little awkward, to be pressed up against one another._

_"Tooru," Tobio's voice was quiet and hoarse as he murmured in Tooru's ear. "I never thought you'd like this."_

_"By this, do you mean this horrifically cliche setting? Or do you mean you?"_

_Tobio chuckled softly against the skin on Tooru's chest, warm air hitting against soft skin. "Both, I suppose."_

_"Well," Tooru said in between kissing Tobio's neck. "Cliche's are always appreciated. And so are you."_

_Tobio moaned into the kiss before pulling away. "Then what does this mean for us?"_

_Tooru’s hands dropped from Tobio’s collar and to his waist._

_Tooru shrugged. “What do you want it to mean?”_

_Tobio shook his head. “I asked you first.”_

_“I,” Tooru interrupted himself with a sigh. “I want to be with you, and hold your hand, and kiss you whenever you’ll let me. And I’m probably gonna screw up sometimes and you’re gonna have to knock some sense into me. I want everything, with you.” Tooru looks down at their hands and his lips curl in a half-smile, half-grimace. “Your turn.”_

_“I want that too.” Tobio replies easily, shrugs._

_Tooru looks up suddenly._

_“Why do you look so surprised?” Tobio asked._

_“I’m just surprised that everything is so simple for you,” Tooru replied._

_They both knew there will be moments when they'll both make mistakes. They also knew that they weren't those same kids from highschool anymore; they're willing to take the issues on as they come, together._

_“We can make this work, right?” He asked._

_Tobio nodded slowly. “Yeah, yeah we can.”_

* * *

 

Tooru wakes up to the shrill alarm on the bedside of his table. It was December the nineteenth, three weeks since the train crash and two days until Tobio’s birthday. He doesn’t know why or how he managed to remember such a trivial piece of information, or why his gut does somersaults when he remembers how soon it is until Tobio’s birthday.

Soon after he came back to Miyagi, to his mother’s home, he had been quietly trying to piece together the parts of his life that he had forgotten.

So far he knows that he had graduated from high school and entered university to study astrophysics at the University of Tsukuba, no less. During his first year he became well acquainted with those of his volleyball, including Ushijima, much to his surprise. He and Iwa-chan had decided to head their separate ways, but still meet up in their spare time or during volleyball competitions. Before the accident though, it had been a good six months since they last met.

Tooru still can’t make sense of the accident. What exactly was he up to that day and why does the accident make him so restless? His assigned therapist said it’s natural to feel trauma over a train accident, after all, he is one of the few survivors. The shock of it all is yet to hit him.

And why has his mother been acting so strange throughout this visit? Why did his elder brother and mother speak in what seemed like code? Tooru knew the look on his mother’s face, the relief, at knowing that Tobio-chan wouldn’t be spending these days with him, caused suspicion to arouse in Tooru.

Just what happened to his family in the past four years?

He ignores thoughts about his family and his mind moves on to the present day that he can’t make sense of. Just how did he become friends with Tobio? Ushijima, on the day he came to visit with a few CD’s of their volleyball matches, explained that he accidentally locked the two in the locker room and suddenly they became closer than ever before.

All Tooru seems to remember is random trivia about Tobio. He can remember Tobio’s laugh, a cascade of inner joy spilling out and onto Tooru. He can remember Tobio’s favourite food, Pork curry with egg on top. He can remember himself carefully wrapping a box, containing something that even he can’t remember, and hiding it under his pillow along with the promise rings his parent’s gave to him when he was nine. He can remember Tobio’s birthday, two days from now, and for some reason all these pieces of information made his heart ache guiltily.

He remembers the look on Tobio’s face when he came to visit with Iwaizumi’s – he looked as blank as Tooru did. Maybe they both felt hollow inside.

God this is so frustrating.

He looks at his phone again, staring into the blank screen that refused to unlock whatever pin code Tooru tapped. He tried his birthday, Iwaizumi’s birthday, his mother’s birthday, Takeru’s birthday – heck, he even tried his first girlfriend’s birthday, and there was still nothing.

But there’s one he hadn’t tried.

He taps the digits – 12/21/96 – and his phone unlocks.

The unthinkable was becoming more and more likely.

Tooru braces himself and goes through the gallery section.

* * *

 

The next day, Tooru manages to make it back to his apartment. He relearnt the address overnight, he relearnt the route, and he even learnt how to pick open locks just in case none of the keys he owns is the right fit.

It takes him an hour to get to his apartment, and it takes an extra twenty minutes just to open the doors with his mothers hair clip to make in inside. He's thankful that there was no neighbour present to see this sight, especially since he most likely wouldn't recognise anyone anyway.

He stalks his way inside the cold apartment, all the way to his room which is too lifeless and clean for his liking. He enters the room, picking things up and putting them down; observing what they are, whether the him he doesn't remember would like these things, because the him right now isn't so sure. The only items in his room that makes a slight bit of sense to him the volleyball and the star wars anthology on his bookshelf.

Tomorrow is Tobio-chan’s birthday and Tooru feels determined to make sure that tomorrow will go as good as possible. After going through his phone, and seeing all that Tobio had done for him, it was the least he could do. As a friend; and possibly more.

Too carried away with exploring his room, he doesn't hear the sound of the front door unclicking, along with the footsteps accompanied with it.

Tobio opens the door as silently as he could; after passing by his neighbour who warned him of a possible trespasser, he decided to enter the apartment with caution. If that accident never happened, Tobio would have called Tooru about it too before he headed in. Tooru probably would have protested that idea too; he probably would have insisted that they both head in to find out whether their neighbour was right.

Tobio smiles at that thought as he slips his shoes off. Tooru probably would've screamed at the slightest of noise.

A loud thud from Tooru's room startles Tobio from his daydreams. As he put his shoes in the cupboard, he notices another familiar pair inside. Could it be?

"Too- Oikawa-san?" he calls as he walks down the hallway.

He enters their - no wait - Tooru's room, to find the man sprawled across the floor. Tooru's legs are jammed in the space between the bed and wall, whilst the other half of his body was plastered on the floor. Tobio internally winced at the sight.

"Uh," Tobio began.

"I'm home," Tooru says weakly, his voice muffled by the fluff on the rug.

"Welcome back?" Tobio suggests weakly.

"Happy birthday?" Tooru says, mimicking Tobio's confusion.

"My birthday isn't until tomorrow."

Tooru manages to get himself up from the floor, ignoring the searing pain on the side of his face. How the fuck did he manage to fall like that anyway?

"I know, I know," he says, and looks to the pillows on his bed, "I just wanted to come and surprise you."

"By scaring half the neighbours and falling flat on your face?" Tobio deadpans, "Your lip is bleeding."

Tobio pulls out a tissue and moves to the shorter man. He gently dabs at Tooru's lip, examining the source of the blood.

"You're probably gonna need ice for your cheek. It'll probably bruise by tomorrow."

Tooru rolls his eyes and takes a step back, his cheeks heating up at the touch. "Okay, thanks Doctor Tobio."

Tooru dives back to his bed and pulls out the wrapped present. "I'm not sure what this is."

"Uh.." Tobio stops again, "I dunno. Why don't you open it to find out?"

"It's not for me though."

"But it's in your room, under your pillow, so it has to be for you. Just open it and see."

Tooru stares pointedly at Tobio and then holds the present out in front of Tobio. "It's for you."

Tobio blinks. "what?"

"I must have kept it under my pillow because I was hiding it from someone. If it was for iwa-chan or even Ushiwaka-chan, I wouldn't have tried to hide it like this."

When Tobio doesn't make any movement, Tooru suddenly feels widly impatient. "Go on. It's just a birthday present."

Tooru's heart rate is beating in his ears, and he wonders if it's loud enough to Tobio hear too. He drags Tobio to sit down on his bed with him as he hands Tobio the gift. Tobio's fingers shake slightly as he searches for an opening.

This is it, Tooru thinks. This is where he finds out the truth.

Tobio manages to unwrap a light blue leather book along with another tiny box that falls onto the bed.

Tooru isn't sure where he got this memory from, but he knows exactly what's inside the box. He grabs it before Tobio could even touch it.

"Let's read the book first?" Tooru suggests.

He glances at Tobio, who looks back with anticipation (change this word). pursing his lips, Tobio flips it open to the first page.

There is one photo on the first page; the two of them are smiling at the camera, Tobio's smile soft and almost not there whilst Tooru's smile is as bright and full of genuinity that Tooru thought he could never muster. Tooru's head was rested on Tobio's shoulder. The photo is from a time Tooru cannot recollect, but the nostalgia hits him just as ferociously as the train crash. It all makes sense now; Iwa-chans weird words, Tobio's distance, even his mother's strange relief. He doesn’t have to flip through the rest of the album to know what it’s supposed to be. He doesn't need to open the tiny box to know that it contained his father's old promise ring that Tooru had promised to give to the love of his life.

Tooru stared at Tobio but cannot make out how Tobio feels. And Tobio doesn’t know either - he just knows that there's no holding back now.

He turns away from Tooru, his breath turning shallow, fighting hot tears that escape from him anyway.

Tooru doesn't let this happen, and forces Tobio to look at him before he gets on his knees and scoops Tobio into arms. Tooru lets Tobio bury his face in his shoulders, and Tobio lets Tooru run his fingers through his hair.

"There are loads of things I've forgotten," Tooru started. "But there are so many feelings that stayed there."

Tobio's shoulders start to shudder with every breath he took.

"But you and I .... we were more than friends, right?"

Tobio's silence, as he tries to regain his breath, is all the confirmation Tooru needed.

"I couldn't really forget how I felt - no, how I feel - about you, Tobio." 

How long did Tobio go about his day, pretending that he wasn't hurt? How much did Tobio ignore his own feelings just to accommodate Tooru?

"I’m sorry you had to go through this all alone,” Tooru whispers in Tobio’s ear, as he brushed the hairs away from Tobio’s face.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Tobio apologises through hiccups.

“How could you have told me?” Tooru reasons. “And besides. I figured out what was going on between us when I found out that your birthday is my pin code.”

Tobio snorts and Tooru can't deny the warmth blossoming in his chest at the sound.

* * *

Tooru wakes up to an empty bed; Tobio's absence took away the extra warmth that was always welcomed during the winter. The clock on the nightstand told Tooru that it's too early to be awake. The window unveiled a greyish view of the dawn - leafless trees covered in a thick pile of snow, the fog that came with the snow. The day looked oddly peaceful, like everything was stuck in time.

His body ached from the match they played yesterday, as well as the celebration that ensued after that. He was finally able to play a set; the final set no less, and sent the winning toss to Tobio. The adrenaline was familiar, the glare from Ushiwaka, for not using his power as the last spike was also familiar. The urge to not run and kiss Tobio breathless in front of the flocks of commentators was all too familiar.

He smirked at the thought of their celebrations after their victory. The champagne Taketora had snuck in to the restaurant, the piles and piles of food, the soft looks he's send Tobio's way, only for Tobio to send a more suggestive look that made perfect sense an hour after everyone had left.

The faint smell of hot milk rouses Tooru to wakefulness; He pushes the sheets away and instantly regrets it when the chill of the December air hits his bare chest.

He winces again as he places his feet on the cold floor, and hopped to the wardrobe. He pulls on an oversized hoodie, not recalling whether it belonged to him or Tobio and tugs the alien printed blanket off the bed and around his shoulders like an oversized cape.

He neatly managed to avoid tripping over Tobio's dumbbell lying haphazardly in the corridor but stumbles over a volleyball. He managed to regain his balance, though, and walked to the kitchen instead of falling face first on the floor and risking another amnesiac episode.

Tobio wasn't at the kitchen, and the open balcony door gave that much away. The smell of warm milk came from a pan on the stove, and Tooru could also smell an even fainter scent of coffee. What would make Tobio, a usual sweet tooth, go for something bitter?

But there were pancakes and Tooru contemplated whether he should steal one before he let his temptation give in. He finds syrup in a cupboard and dollops it generously on his pancakes, humming contently when he takes the first bite. Tooru then stole a carton of milk from the fridge, in retaliation for nearly falling in the corridor, and leaves the kitchen.

Tobio leans against the edge of the balcony, his back turned from Tooru, layered in shirts and blankets, and his feet covered in crow shaped slippers; His hair a mess and his stance relaxed. From days Tooru had spent re-learning, along with the days he spent recollecting, he learned that Tobio was okay. Tobio did not wake from nightmares that plagued him for years. Tobio did not wake up in a bad mood. Tobio would not mind if Tooru were to suddenly approach him from behind and sneak his free hand under Tobio's layers of shirts - which is exactly what he does.

"Good morning," Tooru coos in Tobio's ears, voice still thick with sleep, his fingers splayed across Tobio's defined abdomen.

Tobio takes a sip of his coffee, slathered in spoonfuls of sugar and heaps of cream. "Good morning Tooru."

Tooru holds the half of the pancake near Tobio, coaxing him to take a bite. He watches Tobio's face scrunch at the sight of all the syrup, and Tooru could tell Tobio was comtemplating whether he should take the bite and ruin his diet plan but then Tobio leans in and took a bite anyway.

Tooru presses his face against Tobio's broad back to prevent him from seeing Tooru's broad smile. For once, Tooru feels awake and aware. There is no uncertainty when it came to who he was – who he had grown to be, rather.

He peers at the dull landscape before them in the winter morning, and then back to Tobio.

He musters all the energy the pancakes gave him, and then he said, “I love you.”

Had he said it before? It didn’t matter. All that matters is that he loved Tobio now and no block of memory or amounts of relearning could stop that.

The sun pokes through the harsh winter clouds, illuminating the two in a city of whites and greys.

Tobio pauses for a moment, a pause so insignificant, nobody aside from Tooru would probably be able to notice it.

“I love you too,” Tobio says, calm and casual, his eyes glittering like jewels in the sunlight.

They finish their breakfast, Tobio with the syrup drenched pancake and Tooru with the creamy coffee.

And when they kiss, it tastes insanely sweet.

 


End file.
